And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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