I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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