??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Randomize
