Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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