He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
50% drunk capacity currently
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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