I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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