dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
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im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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