Umm I'm too high to move.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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