Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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