im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Duck Duck Cougar?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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