In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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