Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
