I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
