My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
