If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
