When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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