Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
