tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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