So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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