I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
