if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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