remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
