I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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