Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
