dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
