I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
