I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i will never coherently bang her
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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