Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
