I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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