Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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