i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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