Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
