i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
