I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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