there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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