I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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