Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
