So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".