if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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