happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again