Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
