why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
