You just made me feel so damn special
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
