I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
