apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
