I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize