Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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