he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
