I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
