Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
