Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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