Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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