i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
