Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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