You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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