In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the condom got lost in my hair
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
