if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
